It’s not cheating if there’s not a test
by Buxton Brown
“They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”
Have you ever read Moby Dick? I haven’t. What’s that you say? You haven’t either? That’s fine. Were you ever told to read it, maybe by a friend or some harsh literary mistress?* It’s a big ass book and unless you have an obsession with books, as many I know do, you probably have no interest in committing 10,000 hours of your life to a story about an extra-big-ass-whale and some peg-legged madman who really wants to find that whale and fuck it up because it stole his leg and yada yada yada. “But,” they say, “it’s a classic!”
Good thing I’m on it. I will read it for you and give you a play-by-play. That way you can pretend to have read it at your next holiday party and convince some goober you’re considerably more dedicated and motivated to knowing more stuff than everyone else, so of course you’ve read Moby Dick. You can even have opinions about it. But they will be my opinions. Which will morph into fact.
Think of it like this. It’s a made-for-tv movie. With no relevant pictures or motion. Maybe it’s more like an abridged book on tape. Without the sound. Cliff notes? Close, but I’m not qualified to educate you on Moby Dick. I’m just here to tell ya how it is. How it be. Word? Word.
p.s. if you have read moby dick… my interpretation may very well shatter your infantile understanding of literature. or it may make you rue the day the internet was invented and consequently empowered knuckleheads like myself to continue writing.
* I’ve always wanted to meet a “literary mistress,” though I’m not entirely confident I grasp the full scope of possibilities in regards to what, exactly, a “literary mistress” might be. I’m intrigued, aren’t you?